the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
