Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
