if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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