ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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