I love black thongs
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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