i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
