My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
