seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every concussion has its silver lining
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
