thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
