Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
