I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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