i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
