Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
