two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
