whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
