shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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