I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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