you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
