roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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