you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Houston, we have a squirter
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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