I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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