Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
