ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
