wanna go halves on a baby?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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