I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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