The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
