What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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