i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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