Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
