my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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