was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
