I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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