phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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