is your mom at the bar?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
