Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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