i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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