ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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