this boner is exhausting
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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