dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
