Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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