if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
