I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
