my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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