I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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