i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
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THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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