I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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