So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
