I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
