I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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