booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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