im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
