I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
