Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
