He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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