Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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