After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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