You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
