OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
