I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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