If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
